The Gap Between
The gap between
birth
and
death
“Depression is the inability to construct a future”- Rollo May
Facing mortality is grueling. It sucks the life right out of you. Looking into the eyes of death is something we all start doing once we’re born. The first breath is one closer to death. Once you have lived 80 years 29 200 days would’ve passed (currently I’m on plus minus 9000 days). Most of us digs deep and somehow receive and keep a desire to live these, let’s say, 29 000 days out to the fullest of the capacity each day holds. We have the ability to see a future after the present moment. We see sunrises and sunsets, feel the farm road dust on our skins, smell the fresh cut grass, hear the waves roll in and think: “Damn, life’s good”.
And then there are those who witness the exact same things and then a great sadness takes over their hearts. A heavy feeling that all is worth nothing. No future after the present moment. The present breath might be the last.
Both the above mentioned individuals have something in common: Death. Both experiences the same beauty yet have different reactions although the reason for the reaction is the same. Mortality makes the one person experience the goodness of life yet it keeps the other one from experiencing it. Death can make you experience the beauty or cripple you to not to. Because of death the one can experience life as beautiful or good and the other not.
Peanut says to Snoopy: “Some day we will all die, Snoopy!” and Snoopy replies: “True, but all the other days we will not.”
Now try telling that to someone who has been struggling with depression or any of the “depression family”[1] disorders for years. Who is stuck in a mindset where the lack of hope is second only to the lack of will. Who is looking into the walls surrounding them and has no way out even though their might be people trying to help them. Depression is a severe mood disorder that affects the way one thinks, feels and acts. Woman experience depression at twice the rate of men according to the Journal of the American Medical Association. This 2:1 ratio exists regardless of economic, racial or ethnic background.
It’s not easy to understand how it feels to live with this disorder. I fail miserably when trying to empathize with people who live with depression. I struggle to understand why they keep on keeping on in the same rhythm day after day trying the same things awaiting different outcomes. I get furious at these people. Calling them names. Telling them how they should feel. Telling them how they should act. I feel that I have the answer and if only they would listen to me they would get out of their slump. I get so frustrated. I struggle to know how to act around people who struggle with this. Especially if they are family. For me life is beautiful. Collateral beauty has even become possible in my mind where everything that is not good has an equal contrary.
Yet this way of thinking is partially part of the problem. This previous paragraph is about how I feel about, for or act around people who struggle with this disorder when in actual fact it’s really not about how I feel. It’s about how they feel. It’s about what they feel, their future, their emotions and who the people will be that will love them the way they are.
“Depression is when you have lots of love to give, but no one’s taking it.” – Douglas Coupland
Yet we (people who do not have the disorder) have to live around people who has this struggle. We get tired of fighting for these people we love. Our love for them makes it difficult to engage with them. We even feel we don’t want to visit, call or hear from them because then we feel freed from their situation. This love for the person makes the situation more complex. It’s as if we expected more from the people we love.
I guess in some sense we don’t want their situation to spoil our lives. This selfish love for ourselves drowns relationship in sorrow and regret. I don’t have the capacity to understand love. This word love is something that connects all humans. It breaks us. Makes us. Plays with us. Makes us better. Makes us worse. Makes us act like who we are. Makes us act like someone we’re not.
We as humans yearn for love and everything that the word encapsulates. There’s something so mystical about love. It impacts us. Makes us ambitious. Inspires us. Makes us want to be better. Makes us reach potential we never knew we had in us. It helps us become who we have been all along.
Yet without it we die before leaving the earth. Life is depressing without it.
There is a song that has become very popular once again after a X Factor singer reintroduced it on the scene. Originally it was sung by Radiohead, Creep. It’s one of my favorite videos to watch as Justin Crum really brings it alive. It comes close to how I assume some people who is struggling with depression feel or the people living with people with depression. It encapsulates some feelings quite beautifully.
When you were here before Couldn't look you in the eye You're just like an angel Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather In a beautiful world And I wish I was special You're so very special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts I want to have control I want a perfect body I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice When I'm not around You're so very special I wish I was special
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here
May we learn how to love the gap between birth and death.
May we learn to love those who need it
and
may we learn to love ourselves.
[1] There are many different forms of depression or disorders that are affiliated to depression yet have a different nuance of presenting itself.