Yearning

Many times on my journey I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and thought “you bastard, you don’t live what you believe”. It’s a moment where you realise that you have disappointed someone, an institution or better yet yourself. “you are better than that” are the words that resonate so deeply in ourselves. Especially when we preach something and live something else.

I have once again come to the conclusion that I am a hypocrite.

You say you can fly

But your wings are cut

You say you’ll love me until you die

Yet you leave me in the mud, I’m stuck

We walk on beaches and witness the beauty of a sunset

You talk about gold and diamonds yet all I smell is dirt

You’ll probably never take me back there I’ll bet

That hurt

When I look back I feel many things but mostly regret.

I struggle to find the words behind my Nevesh that will do justice to how I hate it when people say one thing and do another. Yet here I stand. Looking at myself in the mirror once again having to forgive my actions toward myself.

I yearn like Simba for Mufasa’s voice for an honest voice to bring grace in these haunted corridors of my Nevesh.

As new shipwrecks enter the “safe haven” I call my heart I find in myself that my broken pieces fold around the rough edges of the holes in other’s hearts. My fingers smell like medium gauge Bronze strings as I spill my soul out over my guitar. No song ever amounting to what is raging inside myself. My breath smells like church pew yet my feet are in perfect condition. I cover my stank with Hugo Boss I bought with blood money. My hands have no ulcers or ragged edges yet I complain that the world isn’t working hard enough to fix itself.

Don’t tell me I need Jesus. Jesus and I am in constant argumentation about who I should be. He also agrees that I’m making the same mistakes my father did. Then again when I tear my eyes into that mirror I recognise him in there somewhere.

Here I stand once again.

With my hands on my forehead I feel the sweat drip.

This is just part of the journey part of the difficult trip.