An illegal post
Looking down at my feet as I walk away I do not notice what I trod on. Looking back my head is too high to notice what I destroyed. Looking forward is tough after you realise that you won’t ever understand what you actually did to another human being. What does one do with this numbness after you faced a demon that has been chasing you unknowingly?
I am more broken than I thought. My past, like everyone else’s, caught me.
What I have done to another human being won’t ever be repaired. Plasters will only cover up the wound. Not heal the rawness. Nothing I do will help that human. I have to stay away. It is in this absence that this human will heal. Although the human cannot comprehend, or even attempted to comprehend, that I have had my own journey the past couple of years. The anger and the hurt in this human's voice. How the humancould look at me but me not at it. The many thoughts that went through my mind. The unfairness in this human's life. This is not about me. This is about the human in front of me.
I have done this. It was me. I am not the victim. This human is.
My ego whispers in my ear again. How do I make this about this human and not about me when all I think of is what I have done to this human being? It’s because of me that their entire family don’t trust the church. How will I ever stand upon the pulpit again? Why do I keep on doing this to people? Why do people hurt other people?
How dare I make this anyone else's fault? How dare I feel that this human had a role to play in what we did? How dare I say that this human is childish to delete me from Facebook? How dare I even consider that we could reconcile?
It feels like I have become that story of another theology student. Will I become that story of the minister?
This human said I connect my identity to people and institutions. I am never allowed to speak to this human or it's "Leave me and my family alone. You are a stalker”. Stop harassing them, rather harass me. The human told me that I am not part of their family. The space there was has now passed.
Inside the head of a broken man the ego whispers all the above on your way back home. This is only one human that I know I've hurt, nevermind the many others that does not have the balls to tell me it face to face. How does one channal thankfulness into a dark hole? If a person is so misunderstood that what was said actually makes you doubt your existence. The existance of God. The existence of truth.
The pain goes deeper when only one side of a story has been told. I shall lament in silence unto the day my side has been heard. I am not the man I was told I was. I am not the stalker I was told to be. I am not the person I was in 2010. This is a statement: Look for truth and not an interpretation thereof.
If the above does not make sense, that was the entire point.
A story has happend.
P.S. I was not allowed to even write this post as the human requested.